what I thought I wanted...

**this is not a normal blog... quite a bit heavier than usual, but it's what's on my heart...**

what I thought I wanted by Sara Groves

Tuxedo in the closet, gold band in a box
Two days from the altar she went and called the whole thing off
What he thought he wanted, what he got instead
Leaves him broken and grateful
I passed understanding a long, long time ago
And the simple home of systems and answers we all know
What I thought I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful

I keep wanting you to be fair
But that’s not what you said
I want certain answers to these prayers
But that’s not what you said

When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

Staring in the water like Esops foolish dog
I can’t help but reflect on what it was I almost lost
What it was I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and grateful
I’m broken and grateful
I want to be broken and grateful
I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful, grateful
I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful, grateful



I was driving home last night after a movie with some fabulous people and this song came on... and it hit me like a brick wall- I survived (insert situation here)...
but it wasn't ME. I didn't get myself through all that junk- jesus did. my redeemer. my healer. my savior. he held my hand and lead me step by step through the most disgusting wasteland of anger, pain, hurt, bitterness and despair... he walked right through it with me.
I wish I could say I trusted him with every step. I wish I could say that I was faithful.
but I can't say that. I doubted. I questioned. I pulled away.
but He never left. He never turned His back. even when it felt like it. feelings don't always tell the truth.
He IS.
he restored me. he healed me. he forgave me. he taught me to forgive. he taught me to forgive myself. he set me free.
He brought amazing women into my life who helped me cry. and helped me smile and laugh... a lot.
but looking back, i wouldn't trade it.


sunrise- nichole nordeman

[yes, more song lyrics. don't roll your eyes- no one's making you read this ;) ]


if i had the chance
to go back again
take a different road, bear a lighter load
tell an easy story...
I would walk away with my yesterdays
and I would not trade what is broken for beauty only
every valley, every bitter chill
made me ready to climb back up the hill and find that
You are sunrise
You are blue skies
how would i know the morning if i knew not midnight?
You're my horizon
You're the light of the new dawn
so thank you, thank you
that after the long night... You are sunrise

there's a moment when faith caves in
there's a time when every soul is certain God is gone
but every shadow is evidence of sun
and every tomorrow holds out hope for us
for everyone of us
you alone will shine
you alone can resurrect this heart of mine



so last night as I was driving home i was just so overwhelmed with gratitude. Thankful that 1) I didn't get what I thought I wanted and 2) God has used this time in my life to grow me more than I thought was possible.
I don't know why he wastes his time on me... maybe it's that whole "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" thing...