My First and Former

So as this is a season of new beginnings for me (if you have no clue what I'm talking about then we obviously haven't talked recently or you don't know me well- call me, we'll have coffee and talk...God is on the move!) -I thought I'd start fresh with a new blog. I doubt anyone will care or even read my blog, but I'm fine with that. This is my place to vent, reflect and process. I'm anxious to see how everything (i.e. my life) pans out...
What's next??


I'm also using this "First post" to archive some of my older blogs from another "area" online... check back for updates...


July 5
Waking Up
i feel like i've just awakened from a bad dream. the awful kind you have the hardest time breaking out of- it's such a fight to wake up- partly because it's so real and partly because waking up for some reason seems scarier than staying asleep even though you're scared out of your mind. but once you force yourself awake and fight through the terror, everything seems brighter.



July 7, 2007
Guys... Ick!

used to be my view... now i'm not so sure. I've been around some pretty fabulous guys lately that have completely restored my faith in men (sadly most of them are married). They've deffinitely set the standard..




June 21, 2007
Getting laid off...
feels like getting the rug yanked from under you. or maybe a baseball bat to the ribcage...
Five months ago I needed a change. A new view. A change in scenery. So I applied to work in the missions department at my church. I had no idea what I was getting into- it changed my life. It was there that I met the most amazing people I've ever known in my life. I worked with fiercely strong women who loved and nurtured me. I worked with strong, passionate men who led by example and set a standard for me. They made it a high standard. These leaders saw me for who I am and for who I could be. They pushed me to be better. They encouraged me to try harder, be uncomfortable- they showed me that I'm worth the effort. They saw in me what I could not see in myself.
I discovered my passions. I found that I can do anything as long as I'm doing it for the Lord. I realized that EVERYTHING I do is for the Lord. Nothing is too big as long as I know how to ask for help. Nothing is below me, either.
This wasn't just a job. This was my life. My ministry. I genuinely thought I would work there for the rest of my life. I had found my niche, my calling. I was a part of something I believed in. God allowed me to see a glimpse into what he's doing in the world and it was exciting!
Laid off after only five months. It very much feels like a revolving door. The strangest part is that I didn't do anything wrong. It simply came down to budgets.
I will miss it intensely. But this is a journey I'm excited about. nervous and excited. and sad. it comes in waves. I'll miss my bosses and co-workers, but mostly I'll miss them because they were my friends.
But this truely is THE GREAT ADVENTURE. God has big plans and I really can't wait to see where he takes me. I know one day I'll look back and see that he brought me through this for a reason- His sovreign hand has been on my life since I became His. I know that God genuinely loves me because I am his child. I am His and he has my very best interest at heart. My best interest is to learn to trust him, to grow closer to him and depend on him for my livelyhood, my every breath.
It hurts that I lost my job, but I'm excited to see where the Lord takes me.
"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. May the name of the Lord be blessed." Job 1:21




April 22, 2007
Slavery and Egypt
This song has made a huge impact in my life. It is a strong reminder to me of my constant battle with myself. I often find myself discontented with my life or my surroundings, and talk myself into thinking that my current situation is worse than past situations- I talk myself into "what ifs" and "coulda-shoulda-woulda's" when in reality, my current situation is no worse than any place or time in my life. The fact of the matter is that I'm feeling uncomfortable NOW in a very different way and I think to myself- "I wish I could go back to such and such situation (that wasn't that wonderful to begin with- old jobs, roommates, etc)" when in fact the situation itself wasn't any better than what I'm dealing with now, but I was just USED to the pain and uncertainty. (not that I've been through too many terrible situations in my life, I'm just proving a point here)
I'm facing some big decisions here. All the decisions require huge changes in my life- and they don't affect just me. I'm starting to hem and haw saying "oh if I could only go back to my Egypt. the bondage and pain and denial was so much easier to handle than the truth and the fight for freedom."
Here's the thing: when you learn and grow- you can't go back. no matter how much you want to un-learn or shrink or go back and burry all that junk you dug up... but it's way better this way. the pain and discomfort is brief, but theraputic and somewhat consoling, while the pain of hidden hurts only fester.
I'm grateful that ours is a God of grace and compassion. I'm also grateful that He doesn't strike me dead when I fantasize about returning to the "familiar bondage" that he's so faithfully delivered me from.

Painting Pictures of Egypt- Sara Groves
I don't want to leave here I don't want to stay It feels like pinching to me Either way And the places I long for the most Are the places where I've been They are calling out to me Like a long lost friend It's not about losing faith It's not about trust It's all about comfortable When you move so much And the place I was wasn't perfect But I had found a way to live And it wasn't milk or honey But then neither is this I've been painting pictures of Egypt,Leaving out what it lacksbecause The future feels so hard,And I wanna go backBut the places that used to fit me,Cannot hold the things I've learnedThose roads were closed off to meWhile my back was turnedThe past is so tangible I know it by heart Familiar things are never easy To discard I was dying for some freedom But now I hesitate to go I am caught between the Promise And the things I know I've been painting pictures of Egypt,Leaving out what it lacksThe future feels so hard,And I wanna go backBut the places that used to fit me,Cannot hold the things I've learnedThose roads were closed off to meWhile my back was turnedIf it comes too quick I may not appreciate it Is that the reason behind all this time and sand? And if it comes to quick I may not recognize it Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?



October 21, 2006
The King's Daughter
so i totally jacked this off a very special friend's myspace. i just love it so much and wanted to share!

The King's Daughter: Becoming the Woman God Created You to Be by Diana Hagee

When I created the heavens and earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils were too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you.
Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. From one bone I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects man's life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do.
Around this one bone I shaped you. I molded you. I crated you perfectly and beautifully. Your characteristics are as the rub- strong, yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man: his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life.
The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage supports the body. You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side.
You are my perfect angel. You are my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I see the virtue in your heart. Your eyes- don't change them, Your lips- how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose, so perfect in form. Your hands, so gentle to touch. I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep; I've held your heart close to Mine.
Of all that lives and breathes, you are the most like Me. Adam walked with me in the cool of the day, and yet he was lonely. He could not see Me or touch Me. He could only feel Me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with Me, I fashioned in you: My holiness, My strength, My purity, My love, My protection and support. You are special because you are an extension of Me. Man represents My image. Woman, My emotions. Together you represent the totality of God.
So Man, treat Woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt Me. What you do to her, you do to Me. In crushing her, you damage your own heart, the heart of your Father and the heart of her Father.
Woman, support Man. In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you. In gentle quietness, show your strength. In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self.